It’s been said that in (good) relationships we typically like 80% of the things about a person, and dislike the other 20%. Unfortunately, we frequently spend far too much time focusing on the 20% instead of recognizing and being grateful for the 80%. Most people think they can somehow change the other person to get rid of the 20% parts, but they’re almost never successful.
I’ve found in life that you get what you give in relationships – and that includes where you direct your attention. If you focus primarily on the negative 20%, I guarantee the things you don’t like will start to seem like a much larger percentage of the person. They may even drown out the things you do like, until you reach a point where you can’t stand the person you once considered a friend. The same holds true, however, if you focus on the positive 80%.
I had a conversation about this recently with a client. She totally agreed with this 80-20 rule. In her case, when she first married her husband she used to let his general sloppiness and disorganization bother her. After all, as she put it, “it wasn’t quite the Odd Couple, but it was close.” For years she tried to make her husband change. Finally, she realized that not only was he not going to change, his habits didn’t bother him at all. She realized that she was the one upset, so she had to be the one to make some changes.
When she focused her attention on all of the good things he brought to their marriage as a husband and a father, she realized that the habits that bothered her so much weren’t that big of a deal. She told me that she is much more relaxed and happier since she changed how she thought about her husband and her marriage. As she explained to her daughters, looking at her husband this way gave her a sense of peace in her marriage.
I think the same thing is true about how we treat our own self image. I’ve lived enough life to know that there are no perfect people. How much better off would we be if we spent our time focused on growing what is really good about ourselves, rather than obsessing over our negative aspects?
A broker in my business illustrates this point perfectly. He had been successful for many years, but he was never happy. He was very skilled at getting meetings and maintaining relationships with his clients. What’s not to like about that? But he always wanted to be “the whole package,” and was forever beating himself up over his perceived shortcomings.
One day another prominent broker said to him, “Why don’t you start focusing your energy on what you’re good at and quit worrying about what you’re not good at?” It was a “light bulb moment” for him that forever changed the way he looked at his situation. He was eventually able to recognize all the value he created with his strengths, even though he was not perfect at every aspect of the business. He focused less and less on his weaknesses and a funny thing happened: his strengths grew, as did his confidence.
He became comfortable in his own skin.
Have a great weekend,
Ro